Life and Death

I know I shouldn't be blogging at this point of time. I should be studying for my EOS, or maybe I should be sleeping.

But this thought about life and death still bothers me a lot. Maybe I should pen it down somewhere.

What exactly is life? Life in this world. What is the meaning and purpose of life in this world? Is it just a temporary place of transit for us before moving on to our afterlife? Or are we just here because of the cycle of karma (cause and effect)?

Even if we're just here because of our religion, whatever life and death mean in our respective religion, but what's our purpose and role here in this life?

I personally think that everyone is kind and pure by nature. Everyone is willing to help each other and SELFLESS shouldn't be just a term to describe a minority group of people. And hence, our basic role in life should be to help as many people as we can, making life easier for each other, because it doesn't hurt a bit to go the extra mile helping other people but it does mean a lot when you know that your help has brought the person some hope and comfort.

But when things happen, when calamity strikes, it seems like people start becoming more selfish and they can even choose not to bother about their own relatives. In this materialistic world today, it is truly heart-wrenching to see people being so selfish and self-centred. People whom I once thought were kind-hearted and selfless are no longer like what I thought.

Maybe I've been too naive. Too silly. Maybe I've been living in my own bubble all along, thinking that everything in this world is beautiful, and everyone in this world is kind by nature. 人性本善？人性本恶？I really don't know. Really can't imagine how shocking I felt when I start realising and seeing the ugly side of humanity. If this is part of growing up, I really don't want to grow up... Why can't everyone be kind to each other? Whats wrong with helping others? I really don't understand...

I really hope that we can live our life to the fullest, not just by fulfilling our material desires, but also by making our life a meaningful one. I would want to dedicate my life to helping people around me, not worrying about going the extra mile, as long as its within my abilities. I would want to be a compassionate and selfless doctor who treats my patient as a whole person, not just giving drugs based on their history sheets. I don't want to live a life of a robot, who looks for monetary gains all the time. I want a meaningful life, a life that I live by helping people out, saving, changing and impacting people's lives. The little things in life will make a lot of difference. Even if its just a smile, it will brighten up someone's gloomy day. Just lend a helping hand whenever you can because you won't know how much will that little gesture mean to another person. If everyone is willing to lend each other a helping hand, the world will be a better place, isn't it?

What is death? I'm in no position to talk about this. But, I know that its something that everyone is fearful of. After being posted in the forensic department for three weeks, I thought that I could handle death pretty well. But it seems like, I don't. I'm not as tough as I thought I am. I once thought that I should be strong for the sake of my family members. But it seems like I'm the one who's crying more. I need to be emotionally tough in the medical profession, but then again, whats the point of being an emotionless doctor who gets so immuned (or even bored) of dealing with death. That's really scary.

Back to death. Its scary. It means putting everything down and moving on to a place that we all have no idea whether it really exists. It means leaving all your loved ones behind. It means a final GOODBYE. It's GOODBYE forever. Its emotionally tough for the one who's leaving as well as for the family members. Its something really hard to accept and the feeling of knowing that you'll be gone forever is definitely very daunting and scary. Unimaginable. All the regrets and all the things undone. All the future plans that can no longer be executed. Really unimaginable.

Everyone can just leave the world at any point of time. No one knows when it'll be our last GOODBYE to our friends and family. It sounds really scary, but its the truth. Maybe we should never live with regrets. Tell your friends and family how much you love them. Tell them how much they truly mean to you. Try your best to spend as much time with them as possible. Tell them you're sorry if you've ever done them wrong. Do and say everything you can and make sure you have no regret for the day. Because no one can guarantee that we'll be up and awake the next day.

Its very sad and hard to accept when you know that your relative might bid the FINAL GOODBYE any moment. Its even sadder when you know that you can't be with him during his last few moments.

"I really can't bear to see you go, and I really regret not spending more time with you. Don't worry, we'll all help to take care of your kids. We'll love them very much. 别担心，你就安心的放下，安心的走吧。"

I will miss you a lot.

What's life all about?

Sometimes I wonder, is it worthwhile to strive so hard in life, doing something against our own conscience, destroying others, just for the sake of getting fame, wealth and glory? I wonder how some people can be so willing to sacrifice their friends, sacrifice their life (not literally), in exchange for all these material gains. Not that I don't strive for what I aim for, but I wouldn't bring myself to do things that will harm people around me, in order to achieve what I want. All things in this world are impermanent. So is it worthwhile to work so hard and lose yourself in the pursuit of all these impermanence?

All men, no matter how rich/ famous we are, in the end, when we die, we all still return to the same soil. 

Hence, I believe that we should always enjoy every single moment we are living, strive for what we need, in moderation. Try to keep a balance, physically, mentally and spiritually in pursuit for excellence and never ever let greed rule our actions. The fame, houses, cash and cars that we own when we are alive will not be buried with us when we die. It is the good deeds that we have done, the positive impact that we have brought to the world that's going to matter; I personally can't be sure whether the good karma is going to bring us to heaven or not, but I'm sure that by doing our part for the society, at least someone who needs help will benefit, will live a better life because of our little gestures. As an individual, I may not be able to bring a great impact to the world, but by making life better for one person, maybe for just one day, it will bring some hope and some happiness to his/her life.  

I once asked myself "What's the purpose of my life in this world, when everything is so impermanent?" My purpose in this life can't be just to study hard, get good results, get a scholarship, get a medical degree, be a doctor, achieve my ambition as a forensic pathologist. Everything will be nothing by the end of the day. I may be rich, may gain some fame and status in society in the future, but did I really serve my purpose living my life here? We won't know when will be our last day on this Earth. It may be today, may be tomorrow, may be years later. We may not be able to achieve our dreams, our ambition. Who knows? Hence, I've decided that my purpose in life will be to help others as much as I can, to bring some hope and positivity to the world around me. 

Well, at least my life will not be wasted if my small gestures can bring some happiness and hope to others. My life will not be wasted if someone else gets to enjoy a full meal because of my donation. My life will not be wasted if someone out there gets to live in a house because of my contribution. My life will not be wasted if someone else out there gets to fulfill his/her dreams because of my help. Many people out there don't get a chance to sit down and enjoy dinner happily with their family members. Many people out there have to hide themselves and live a life of constant fear due to the war in their countries. Many people out there suffer from diseases and have no chance to seek medical help. Many people out there have no clean water to drink and no food to eat. There are many more sufferings out there that we do not experience, we do not realise. We often complain whenever there's no water, when the food we ordered don't taste nice, when the public transport and medical services don't meet our expectations. But we never realise how lucky we actually are. We never realise that we actually have more than enough for a living. We should always be thankful for what we have, spend within our means, and try our level best to help those who are more in need. 

People asked me "Why do I volunteer myself in so many charity events?" Well, I just hope to do my part for the society, for people who needs more help from us. Spending a few hours helping out in an event or collecting donations might be just a small gesture, but it might mean a lot to those who need the help. The money/ items collected could fund people's medical treatment, could be used to buy rice for the poor or the second hand clothes collected could actually be new clothes for those who couldn't afford them. The little smile on the faces of the kids who just received the second hand clothes really melted my heart and brought tears to my eyes. :') Sometimes I truly hope that everyone can be like those kids; treasure things around them a little more, learn to love the people around them a little more and not take everything for granted.

Another question asked "Why do I donate money when I'm not even sure whether those people asking for donations are genuinely from a charitable organisation?" The money that I've donated will benefit people in one way or another. If those people who asked for donation are not genuinely form charitable organisations, they might be asking for donations for themselves. They themselves might need the money. If they're really doing something against their own conscience, one day karma will befall them. But on our side, we just sincerely hope to help people who are in need out there. No harm helping. :)

I once asked "Is there any unconditional love in this world?". A friend of mine answered "Yes, but only parents can do that. Love given by everyone else will be conditional. When we help others, we hope that they'll give us a smile, we hope that they'll be happy, even if we don't ask for a thank you, but hoping that they're happy because of our help is still a condition." That made me ponder for a while. But if there's really no unconditional love (besides parents) in this world, I really won't mind to have "making people around me happy" as my condition then. Well... I help people for a simple reason: that is to make their life easier, happier. I don't mind going the extra mile to help people, sometimes a little beyond my own means. I've never thought of them giving me back anything in return, nor do I help people for the sake of increasing my good karma. I know many people are cynical about this; thinking that every help given by people has a motive behind it. Are people really that realistic? Do we really think twice or thrice, weighing the pros and cons of helping people before lending a helping hand? Well... at least for me, I don't and I choose to believe that majority of the people in this world don't.

Let us all spread our love to those around us. Don't hesitate to help people, even small little gestures can make people's life easier, happier. Posting this does not mean that I'm a saint who helps people all the time. I'm not perfect, nor did I attain enlightenment like the Buddha, I have a lot more to learn to be selfless, to give unconditionally. I still have a lot to learn about compassion and kindness. I still have a lot to learn in life. But I count myself very blessed to be given the chance to learn the Dhamma since young. I'm very thankful to always have the Dhamma in my mind and in my heart, that's always reminding me of what I should do, what I should learn and what I should cherish. The value of impermanence is invaluable. Because of this impermanence, I've learned to cherish and embrace every moment I have. Because of impermanence, I've learned to let go of sadness and hatred, instead learn to give as much as I can to the society. 

Thanks Lord Buddha for all your teachings. I have a lot more to learn from the Dhamma. 

Sadhu, sadhu, sadhu.

picture taken from http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/7a/Pink_water_lily.jpg

Friends? Not really...

Sometimes friendship can't really last. Can they? Friends, whom u once thought were true friends, don't really stand by you when you're down, when you're wronged. Sometimes, perhaps friends aren't really friends. They don't really bother to look beyond your every smile, every silence. Perhaps you're really not that important to them.

Friendship can never beat kinship. You have your parents to stand by you when everyone around you seem to be forsaking the friendship that you had painstakingly tried to maintain for years. Friendship don't really stand trials of time. Do they? Who exactly are true friends? I thought I managed to figure that out three years back, but I guess I'm back to a situation whereby I have no clear idea of who my true friends are, except the few who are willing to listen (and I'm seriously grateful for that <3 p="">
I guess it is time for me to actually get out of the cocoon that I once thought was my comfort zone. Perhaps it's not the case all along. A gang remains a gang, nothing more beyond that. Now that I regret not cherishing my TRUE FRIENDS enough, forsaking them for the so-called "GANG", I really should have differentiated true friends, true sisters from just another GANG! Oh well, people get into cliques so that they don't feel left out, same goes to me, but when things really happen, they don't really bother. Do they? At this point of time, actually it is your sisters (true friends) who come to the rescue.

Betrayal is one word that I don't simply use, unless the pain is seriously too enormous to bear! Oh well, not so much like a stab in the back, but betrayal can also mean when people choose to forsake you, ignore your presence when things get rough. When things turn out this way, and you have nowhere to turn to, you should really be thankful that there's blogger! At least you can just blog about your feelings in words... At least my readers (if i even have any) can share my feelings and thoughts.

I know that I brought it upon myself. It's my own fault from the very beginning. I should have known that it will cause me great misery, I shouldn't have made that decision. But who can foresee the future? Who in the world will see this coming?? Ah well, I can blame no one but myself. Oh well, just swallow the grievances and don't let the tears fall. Put up a strong front, tell yourself everything's gonna be ok and force a smile! Perhaps it'll fade with time, and everything will be fine eventually... (Easier said than done)

I've been hardened by all the experiences, all the turbulence in friendship that I've been through since young. Having seen the dark side of a lot of things going in this world, sometimes I really take  my hat off for myself for being able to withstand the pain all by myself. For a 20 year old, those experiences are really too much to bear!

Heartbroken,
Hazelyi...

Reminiscing...

Hey blogger! Welcome me back to this blogging world... XD

MIA for almost an entire year, and here I am, back here, updating this tiny space of mine in the World Wide Web, jotting down all the sweetness and bitterness that I had been through, indirectly serving as a reminder to myself as well as to those who are following my blog... (hehe... wondering if there's even any)

This lil post of mine will touch on bits and pieces of memories collected when I was back in Anderson Junior College, Singapore earlier this year as well as from my current college in Shah Alam, INTEC (International Education College).

Sit back, relax and watch the links that relate these two totally unrelated entities together, be it directly or indirectly (well of course besides the fact that I studied in both colleges this year). I would also like to take this opportunity to express my endless gratitude to both scholarship bodies, the Singapore Government for the ASEAN Pre-U scholarship as well as to the Malaysian Government for the equally prestigious Public Service Department scholarship.

At this time, last year, I was in a position whereby I was full of doubt and was terribly unsure of my decision in accepting the ASEAN scholarship.

"Am I doing the right thing?"

"What if I flop my exams? My scholarship will be terminated..."

"How about hostel life? Can I manage staying alone abroad after sticking to my family for the past seventeen years?"

All these questions haunted me almost every single day despite the increasing excitement that grew within me. When I stepped into the hostel room for the first time, the thought of having to sleep on the upper deck of the double-decker bed and the fact that I'm not going to have roommates for the first night in Parry really hit me hard and my tears began to roll down my cheeks... Imagine that on the first day you're leaving home!! What a bad experience!!

Anderson Junior College is a wonderful JC... "Though we're not the best JC, but neither are we the worst in Singapore". I still remember Ms Leong, the Principal, telling us, JC1s, this during our orientation. The orientation was wonderful, with its theme "Arcadias", and the ever-enthusiastic Councillors really brought me joy and I began to love my college.

Things got really tough for me when I found it difficult to get close friends, seeing all my classmates in PDG22/11, which comprise of China scholars and Singaporeans, getting into their own cliques from their previous secondary schools. Despite being able to mingle well with everyone in class, but the loneliness would be painfully felt when they started setting off in groups to the "Ohana" and canteen for lunch breaks and intervals.

However, not long after that, I got closer to three sweet Singaporean girls, Wan Qin, Hui Ping and Hui Ling and eventually felt very much comforted and accepted into the community. Being appointed as the GP (General Paper) Representative gave me even more confidence and my relationship with my fellow classmates got very much better. Having gone through AJ PE training stint, NAPFA, AJ Family Day and AJ Track & Field together, we got very much closer, just like a happy family. We had many experienced and knowledgeable lecturers and I'm truly elated and grateful, having learned so much from them (Mr Bell, Ms Chua, Mr Lim, Ms Eng, Cikgu Raudah) within such a short period of time.

I'd been given loads of opportunities in AJ. I was selected to represent the college in SMO, given the chance to be part of the enriching Alpha Programme and also got the chance of landing my hands on Wushu "nangun", my latest passion in sports. I made many new friends (especially seniors) from my CCA, Wushu, thanks to Kim who encouraged me to join this martial art that is in a completely different dimension from Taekwondo. Miss my wushu buddies and coach (Ser Lin, Tu Linh, Kim, Ying Feng +++)!

My stay in Parry had also allowed me to make new buddies, not only from Malaysia, but also from other parts of Asia such as from India, China (I had a pretty China roommie), Vietnam, Indonesia, Philippines etc. We even had our very own "breakfast clique" and we would sit down together in a group of approximately ten people every morning enjoying our breakfast in the canteen. Miss em' so much! And my bus partner, Chien Wen, miss you loads! :(

When I was faced with the fact that I had to leave this place that I first disliked, but had eventually became a place I adored most, I was truly vexed and the feeling of unwillingness to leave my pals became rather intense. I managed to score strings of A+ in my SPM and thus was awarded the PSD scholarship from the Malaysian Government. These events were supposed to be happy ones but they had instead turned out to be torturing as I had to make a choice between my future and my close-knit buddies in Singapore. I wavered between choices and I even thought of giving up the PSD scholarship for the sake of Wushu and my buddies in AJC!!!

But of course, I had chosen the former instead of the latter for the sake of my future. I had chosen this path because the Malaysian Government had offered me a scholarship that is very much sought after by many, a scholarship that allows me to further my studies overseas in Medicine via a Twinning Programme in IMU. I'm clearly aware that it would be very tough for me to get into NUS Medical Faculty if I were to stay put in Singapore. The places available are very limited and I'll have to be the creme de la creme among the scholars in order to secure a place in NUS Medical Faculty, under the ASEAN scholarship. That's tough and very competitive. It's not safe. No guarantee. If I really want to realise my ambition of becoming a forensic pathologist, I'll have to accept the PSD offer and leave AJC.

On my last day in AJ, my classmates actually planned a surprise farewell party for me... All the wonderful wishes they wrote for me really touched my heart. I promise I'll remember them always. My three Singaporean friends and I also went out for a farewell lunch before bidding each other goodbye for the last time. My three dearest roommates had also planned a similar mini farewell party in our room 03-05 the night before. The gifts that my roommates and my "breakfast clique" gave me, along with their sweet messages on them as well as the cards written by the entire AJ Wushu Team left me with the most precious memories of AJC. The warmth that I felt on my final days in AJC left me feeling truly heavy-hearted to leave AJ forever...

I'm currently studying in INTEC Shah Alam. The vast differences between AJ and INTEC truly left me in awe. First of all is the dress code. From wearing tiny, super-short shorts in AJC to super long baju kurungs, covering almost every single part of my body in INTEC almost drove me crazy in the first few weeks. The scorching hot weather here never fail to leave us all perspiring profusely after walking for less than ten minutes under the sun.

However, the plus point to my new hostel (Kolej Akasia) is that I'll have more personal space, with only two in a room, instead of four back in Parry. We have our own mini kitchen, mini bathroom and a mini laundry area. More space for us to move around, I should say. I'm also very lucky to have found three very friendly housemates and it took us almost no effort at all to clique and very quickly, we started teasing each other as though we had known each other for years.

Maybe it's because of my experience of staying in Parry earlier this year, I don't feel homesick like my other housemates (not that I feel homesick back in Singapore). I guess I'm more accepting in terms of the living conditions and the fact that I have to do everything on my own now (including laundry!! Before this, we had a laundry shop in Parry, whereby we just leave our stinky clothes in laundry bags and collect them back periodically every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday). The training I had in Singapore made me more independent and more mature in handling matters when it comes to staying with new housemates. I also got used to moving around alone on foot, without supervision of parents, and became more aware of my surroundings.

In INTEC, we had our very own Minggu Destini Siswa (MDS) equivalent to our orientation week in AJC. It was very fun, in a different way from AJ's Orientation. We had to set off from hostel as early as 6.45 am and will only be back by 11++ pm... It was seriously tiring, yet fun... Our Fa-Cs are really nice and sociable. They willingly shared their experiences with us and gave us priceless advices on how to juggle our school work and activities well. We had loads of fun learning all kinds of "tepukan" (tepuk Ahmad Albab, tepuk kura-kura, tepuk sotong dll...).

And yes, as you would have probably guessed, the main language here in INTEC is Bahasa Malaysia (although all classes are conducted in English). I consider myself rather lucky as I'm still able to converse quite fluently in BM, having lived in an almost all-English and Chinese environment for four whole months in Singapore. Maybe I should attribute this to my choice of subject back in AJ. I chose H2 Malay Literature and Language (MLL) instead of the more celebrated Economics as I believed that I'll have an upper hand in that subject, having mastered this language since young, as it is my country's national language.

Things were easier for me in INTEC. Perhaps I've learned how to make friends effectively through my experience in AJC. I got into 12M1 and very quickly got into friendly chatters with my fellow neighbours in class. Our class is by far the most close-knitted class in our batch. Many classes envied the closeness that existed among all of us, even our class photos are said to be the best among all! Yay!

Here, I've met people from different parts of Malaysia. The differences in accent spoken by all of us always make us giggle endlessly, especially when misinterpretations of words arise or when we try to mimic each other's accent during our conversations. All thanks to my roommate, Ting Ling, I've picked up some "utara" accent with "kot" and "gor", but at the same time also not losing touch of my origins (the "selatan" accent), with the help of my other two housemates, Chiu Ling and Winnie.

In terms of studies, my life is easier here since I've covered some of the topics in AS Mathematics and AS Chemistry, having completed an entire semester back in AJC. Hence, I'm able to focus more on Biology, which is more memory-demanding, a subject that I had chosen to drop earlier this year in AJ because I was keener in Physics as compared to Biology. But here in INTEC, I'm forced to drop my pet subject in favour of Bio which apparently is a pre-requisite for me to enter a medical university.

The competition here is definitely much stiffer than it was back in my secondary school days as INTEC is the place where all top students from all over Malaysia gather together under several scholarship programmes. Despite the hectic schedule from 8 am to 4 pm every day due to the trial "fast-track" programme offered to ALM-IMU students, I had a lot of fun learning in class and hence hardly ever felt tired after long hours of studying. Our class is also very fortunate in comparison with other classes to have senior and experienced teachers teaching us all subjects, giving us ample information and knowledge to ace in all our tests and examinations. And once again, 12M1 has become the dream class of many in INTEC, not because of our academic performance, but it is because of the top-notch teachers we get and also the strong bond within our class of 24 students.

I had a lot of fun throughout the whole Semester 1 in INTEC. It has become a commonplace for us to go out in large groups, heading to places like Subang Parade and Sunway Pyramid whenever we have the time, especially after one whole week of gruelling topic tests. Joining activities and trainings organised by "Dhamma On Campus" and Intec Taekwondo Club (ITC) as well as the INTEC Charity Run and Ko-PLN choir performance added much spice to my life as an INTEC-ian. Now, I truly hope that our annual ITC Taekwondo Championship and my proposal to set up the very first INTEC Wushu Club (can't seem to let go of wushu after learning my "nangun taolu" in AJC) will be approved by HEP next year so that all our effort will not go to waste.

Whether it's AJC or INTEC, I've gained a lot of knowledge and invaluable experiences from these two colleges. I've also learned to grab as many opportunities as I can in INTEC after missing out on several NUS and NTU Science Research Programmes and also the AJC Nano Science Research Programme.

I'll miss AJC but I'll also learn to treasure my life journey as a student in INTEC.

Ex-AJCian, Current INTEC-ian,

Hazel.

Perfection...

"Nothing is perfect in life."


No. I definitely do not agree with the above statement. I am a perfectionist who make sure that I excel and attain perfection and success in everything I do in life. Be it tougher or easier. Time-consuming or not. Energy-depleting or not.

Perfection. Something I've been pursuing since I was young. Since the very first day I was born to this world. I still remember there was once when my dad told me that I was such a perfectionist that I would even end up crying when I lost in a game. Haha. Ya, that's me. The girl-next-door who's totally obsessed with perfection and has a horrible intolerance towards imperfection.

Since young, I made sure that I do well in my studies. Trying my very best to reach the peak, clinching victory in each and every competition I participate in. Striving hard to be the top student in school. Never allowing defeat to even appear in my life dictionary.

So that kinda explains why I was so disheartened when I wasn't selected(refer to my older posts). The excruciating pain still lingers on somewhere in a corner of my heart. A pain that will suddenly trigger a tear or two to flow down my cheeks. But it also reminded me that a PERFECTIONIST will only move on and work harder to clinch greater heights, to perfect the little imperfections in life.

Perfection. I've been doing quite a lot of thinking these days. Perhaps I am just too free after the gruelling three weeks of SPM. I realised that even the slightest mistake that I've made previously, throughout my life journey as a seventeen-year-old, will trigger an overwhelming disappointment in me, towards myself.

For instance, the 2009 Sudoku Tournament. It suddenly struck my mind and I was utterly heartbroken when I couldn't even advance to the second round of the competition (I was runner-ups in two consecutive 2008 Sudoku Championships). The pain, it scarred my heart a little. Yes, it healed by itself as time goes by. But, the bitter memory still lingers on.

I know that I'm not a prodigy, not like Baek Seong Jo (in Playful Kiss) who could get full marks in his exams without even studying. No, sadly (or perhaps fortunately), I'm not like him. I clearly understand and experience the true meaning of "hard work pays", "no pain, no gain". Through all these years, I've been working very hard, in order to just feel the triumphant mood when I get to the top of the list. Triumph. Yes.

HARD WORK = TRIUMPH
HARD WORK = SUCCESS
HARD WORK = VICTORY

Personally I feel that "nothing comes easy". There's a Malay saying that goes "Yang bulat tidak datang bergolek, yang pipih tidak datang melayang". Without the bitterness of hard work, we will never taste the sweetness of success.

I've been so obsessed with perfection to a certain level that even the people I idolise are perfectionists themselves. I have a weird habit, whereby I will search for more details about someone whom I thought is good in his/her career, before I select him/her as my idol. But I'm definitely not influenced by them, thus causing me to be a perfectionist, but it's my natural character, I guess... And all of them, who are perfectionists, never fail to succeed in life.

People whom I Idolise
1. JJ Lin - a perfectionist who works and strives very hard in order to garner success and excellence in his career as a singer-songwriter.
2. Rui En - a self-proclaimed perfectionist who would go all out to bring out the soul of every character she plays in a drama and also in every song she sings, as a singer and an actress.
3. Baek Seong Jo (a character in Playful Kiss) - a perfectionist who cannot tolerate dumbness and always excels academically and also in sports (minus the cold and cocky part of him - I'm not)

So there you go. Perfection has become a part of my life. Without perfection, I'm not who I am. Naturally, perfection goes hand-in-hand with pressure. The amount of pressure a perfectionist has to undertake (if you are not a natural prodigy) is well ten times? or perhaps even a hundred times greater than those who would be contented with the simple things in life. Perfection is what I look for, what I seek for. I won't mind even if I break down and cry due to the immense stress and pressure (all thanks to perfection) or even I would have to be insanely indulged in a twenty-four-seven study/practice marathon, as long as I garner success by the end of the day.

Perfection. Yes. I definitely will not allow myself to lose out even a little. My desire to win, win, win and WIN is forever burning in my heart. I give all my best, drain all my energy and strength just to claim the victory. So that explains why I'm being so crazy, starting my A-levels Physics right after my SPM... That explains why I've been looking for more and more information about the Singapore GCE A-levels syllabus (yes, I'm going to Singapore next year)... Besides the fear of the new lifestyle overseas, my fear of losing the perfection in life is urging me to "start ahead, stay ahead" and always be one step ahead of others.

Perfection. Be it in studies or in physical activities. Without perfection, there's no life at all...


the self-proclaimed perfectionist.
Hazel.

Black and White - Justice

Black and white. Very significantly and distinctly different yet compromising colours. Classy and cool. Shows character.

Represents JUSTICE!

Yes. My interest and affection towards black and white had somehow developed after the traumatising "wake-up-call" that I had been through beginning last year (refer to my older posts).

Perhaps I should call it a blessing-in-disguise. It gave me an opportunity to lead an editorial team. It made me realise and be more aware of the darker side of life. It changed me entirely and I guess that this transformation that had taken place truly made me a better person.

To the person who had caused me this heartache, all I could say is

"I hate it, you hurt me so deeply. But I sincerely thank you for it as I've benefited a lot from it and I bet this had caused you much disadvantage!"

Next, my affection towards black and white represents my courage to face up to reality and differ white from black, good from evil and never to believe in grey areas. This forever-fighting-for-justice character of mine hasn't changed much but it seemed to have became more vivid and persistent as time goes by.

I'm currently re-watching a Singapore drama series entitled "Metamorphosis" and it had enhanced my belief that "truth will eventually prevail" and "good will always triumph over evil". This police action show made me think and associate the cases in the show with real life and I realised that if we persist till the end we'll be able to nail down the criminal.

I'd given serious thought about the career that suit my character and personality most and at the same time would also promise me a bright future ahead. I'd once thought of becoming a police (yes, don't sound like me - if you know me personally) but after much consideration I thought it would be most wise if I pursue my dreams in Forensic Science, as I'm a science student myself and my love for science has deepened drastically throughout my secondary school days.

One self-created Chinese quote suddenly struck my mind while I was thinking hard about my faith in justice. Having realised how low my Chinese proficiency level is, I am truly amazed and fancy thinking that I could actually come out with such a phrase made me feel a little flattered (don't mind me... just a spur of the moment)...

Black and white, can represent not only the complex truth and justice, but also symbolises the simplicity of life with touches of in-depth meaning of life - complexity behind the simplicity and also simplicity behind each complexity. Deep. Yes, I'd once thought of going into philosophy but I think it's better to stay rooted to the ground and move on with a more realistic path in today's Asian society.

I'd in fact done some simple interior designing of my future house, comprising of only the monotones. I find it really interesting and life would be more meaningful if I have such a simple-yet-complex retreat after a long day of hardwork at my workplace (most probably, the morgue i guess...) hahax!

I'm aware that most people think that black and white symbolises cold and lack of warmth but to me, no matter how cosy a house may look but it'll never be a house full of warmth if the residents of the house don't portray such warmth. So, I shall not be pulled back by such "traditional" thoughts and will most likely get on with my designs when the time arrives. In my humble opinion, warmth comes from a loving heart, and not from the outward facade of a person/a house. Thus, a black-and-white combination can also bring out warmth if the person wearing/ owning it has a loving heart.

I've always envied career women who succeed in their career based solely on their own capabilities and persistence. I wish I can be just like them when I grow up and make a name for myself in the forensic field. I feel blessed to own qualities such as persistence, justice-oriented, law-abiding, never-say-die attitude and also patriotisme towards not only my country but also to whatever club/society I'm involved in. I believe I'm also a responsible person and a perfectionist who only pursue perfections in every little thing I do, before I consider it an accomplishment. Thus, I shall apply all these qualities in my daily life and also in my future occupation as a forensic scientist.

Pathologist? Medical Examiner? Crime Laboratory Analyst? Crime Scene Investigator? Crime Toxicologist? Entomologist? Criminal Psychologist? I haven't decided on which field of Forensics I'm going to venture into, but well, most likely I'll pick ME/Pathologist/CLA because I wish to be directly involved in case-cracking with the police, using my scientific knowledge, going all out fighting for justice for the dead. I'll never permit myself to leave out any evidence that will bring justice to light.

"Leave no stone unturned." -Metamorphosis-

"Nobody ever commits a crime without doing something stupid." -Oscar Wilde-

"Black and white - Evil vs Good - Justice will prevail" -Hazel-

The girl who has a typical intolerance towards injustice.

Hazel.

Patricia Cornwell

It was only recently when I came to know of a prominent and respectable crime writer - Patricia Cornwell. Pardon me for my ignorance, but for the past few years I haven't been an avid fictional book reader. Fictional books featuring dreamy-and-fairy-tale-like stories somehow failed to capture my admiration, what more sitting down and spending time reading the forever-twisting romance genre. Therefore, I had since lost touch with the "book world" as most of the books within my reach are romantically fictional...

I preferred non-fictional stories with little touches of reality, featuring brutality of life, teaching and constantly reminding us about the importance of appreciating and living our life to the fullest.

On Tuesday morning, I was flipping through the newspaper when I saw an article featuring a contemporary American crime writer, Patricia Cornwell. First of all, her photo in "Star Two" caught my attention instantly. She had that cool image that I had always admired and she's actually quite pretty, despite being three years off the golden 50.

She is well-known for her popular series of novels featuring the heroine, Dr. Kay Scarpetta, a forensic pathologist and is currently the best-selling female writer after J.K. Rowling.

Patricia Cornwell had gone through much difficulties in life, suffering emotional abuse from her father whom she said had walked out on her family on Christmas Day when she was only five. To me, she had a very strong character and is a very tough lady having gone through all these ordeals in life and yet emerged as a brilliant writer.

However, she is a homosexual, marrying a female professor not too long ago and she said that she "finally felt rooted somewhere". To me, homosexual is against most religions in this world but it is definitely not to us to have a preconceived thought and criticise homosexuals. I think I'll respect her decision as it is her life and it is up to her to choose what she really wants.

Her "unusual" sexual direction does not affect my admiration towards her works, especially the latest one entitled "The Scarpetta Factor". I'd read four pages of her story, featured in abcnews.go.com. It was the very first time I really read through all four pages of a fictional story book and got really furious as it was left hanging by the end of the fourth page... I wished I had the book. I really want to finish that story. Maybe I'll try peeking at the bookstores near my house. I want to get her books. They're really nice.

Perhaps I had always adored crime and forensic-related things, that's why she really drew me into the her stories, making me want to explore and solve the crimes in it! I can't wait to continue reading her stories... When is the next time I'll be going to the bookstore???

This is the first fictional book that kept me reading on, anticipating for the crimes to be solved and analysing the situation in the story to figure out who the actual murderer was. Maybe the Scarpetta series have, what I'd mentioned earlier, little touches of brutality in life, which truly reflects the reality in the outside world. Understanding the criminals' minds sometimes do help us escape from unforeseen calamities...

Maybe I'll be forensic pathologist just like Dr Kay Scarpetta. My love and passion for forensics had since came back. There was once when I gave up the thought about forensics for lecturing in physics and additional math. But now, I think I'll choose forensics. It's more suitable for my forever-fighting-for-justice character. I have that typical intolerance for injustice and to me, abiding the law is always a must in my life! In addition, I always had that kind of cravings for more challenges and mind-boggling mazes to solve. I definitely believe that I have the confidence and capability to uptake the task of becoming a forensic scientist/pathologist in the near future. I'll work doubly hard to achieve my ambition! Way to go! Hahax!